It’s funny how lonely you feel when something like this happens. It’s funny because it happens to 1 in 4 women, yet no one talks about it so you feel like you’re alone.
I was never the type of person who dreamed of her wedding day or having a baby since she was a little girl. When I turned 29 a couple of years ago I still didn’t want a kid and I started to get anxious.
What if I never wanted a baby?
What would that do to my marriage?
My husband has always wanted kids and he wanted to try as soon as we were married, but I just wasn’t ready. I remember having a conversation with him on my 29th birthday about how many of the women I look up to had their first baby in their 30’s and I’ve never viewed them as “older moms”. He got mad because he was ready to try sooner than later. I guess I always thought I’d want a baby by my 30th bday. My mom and sister were both finished having kids by the time they were 30 and so I just figured I’d follow suit. So there I was, 29 and still couldn’t picture myself pregnant, let alone with a child, and I didn’t see that changing.
In November, almost a year later, I was late for my period and I was almost never late so I really thought that I was pregnant. On Thanksgiving Day my period came and I was disappointed. My hubby could tell that I had tears in my eyes when I told him and he suggested that maybe this means I was ready.
Yup. I was ready to be a mom.
We started consciously trying at the beginning of December and I was pregnant in January.
When I took the test in February (I actually took 4 just to be sure) and it came back positive, I became really nervous. Was I really ready to be a mom? Was I going to love my baby as much as I love my dog? I just wanted my mom to tell me everything was going to be OK.
The next day I called the Midwives to get an appointment, but because I was only 5 weeks, I had to wait another 4 to be seen.
During those 4 weeks something happened. Maybe it was the morning (all-fucking-day) sickness that was an eye opener for me. Maybe it was my imagination getting carried away and picking out names and designing the nursery in my head. But I fell so hard. And it was like nothing I’ve ever felt before.
In hindsight I feel like I always knew this was going to happen.
In 2011 my best friend’s boyfriend passed away suddenly and afterward she said she felt like she knew it was going to happen and that’s why she always held on to him so hard. I feel the same way about my miscarriage.
My first appointment with my midwife went great. Everything came back better than normal. My labs were perfect and I felt good. We told our parents that weekend along with our sisters and our best friends. Everyone was so happy for us.
Around 11 weeks my morning sickness started to subside and I started to get really bloated.
At my 13 week appointment they couldn’t find the heartbeat. I honestly had no idea you could miscarry without actually miscarrying. I was so naive. I chose to carry it through naturally. I didn’t want surgery. I wanted to feel the physical pain and I didn’t want it to be over in a blink of an eye. I needed the pain to heal me emotionally. It was my assurance that it was real and it was happening to me.
The bleeding started the following night. I was so scared because I didn’t know what to expect. I think deep down my husband wanted me to get the surgery and to get it over with, but he knew I needed to do it naturally. The bleeding lasted for 6 weeks and I felt no physical pain at all. For some reason my hormones weren’t coming down as fast as the midwife liked but she allowed me to continue to miscarry naturally. The bleeding picked up again a week later and this time it was heavier and I was in an extreme amount of horrific pain for almost 5 hours. I ended bleeding the entire week and then on Friday I was at the movies with my best friend, Tiffany, and her mother and I felt something wasn’t right. I went to bathroom and realized I was hemorrhaging. Tiffany found me in the bathroom and asked to come in the stall. We sat in there and cried together.
I needed to call the ambulance because I was losing too much blood. I was in the hospital for the night and they performed a gentle bedside procedure because my body wasn’t letting go of the pregnancy on its own. This was probably one of the scariest things I’d been through. At the time I wasn’t scared but for a few months after I would get PTSD every time I got my period and the anxiety lasted until my period stopped.
The physical pain of the whole thing hurt a lot. But it’s nothing compared to the heaviness and bitterness I carry around with me all the time now. The anxiety consumes me.
My fears are so much different now compared to what they were a year ago.
Will I ever want to try again?
Will this happen again?
When will I be OK?
Will this ever stop punching me in the gut?
Is this my fault?
Was it because I took hot showers?
Was it the time I had a panic attack and felt like I couldn’t breathe?
Is it because I rested my phone on my belly one time while I was stretching?
My due date is October 18th. I hope after that date passes me by I can have some closure.
Thank God for my mom, my sister and Tiffany. These are my tribe of women who have been nothing but supportive and patient with my while I go through this.
There is a lesson here but I’m still waiting to learn it. There’s so much growth that happens with every challenge in life but I feel weaker somehow. Like I could not go through this again. I just keep thinking I need to give it time.
If anyone out there has their story of their miscarriage/infant loss/rainbow baby please share. Somehow it gives me comfort in hearing how other women have survived this. As women we need to stick together and support each other. I feel for each one of you.
*I originally wrote this post in August on my cell phone but never published it. I feel like I have done a lot of healing since then and I am looking forward to being pregnant again.